Backgrounder’s

Make-overs are the ‘in’ thing: whether it be a house transformed from a dumpy mess to an exquisite mansion, or a girl going in to get a work-over (umm, I meant make-over). The transforming of America has begun in earnest.

Small farming in America, unknowingly, is undergoing a beauty make-over. She is being transformed from her humble origins to a modern, scientifically-based operation known as Precision Farming.

Precision farming uses only the finest technologies available to achieve the goal of transforming the American farm. Your farm is custom-fitted with GPS. Being a traditional farm, you will need to be fitted with proper soil, crop and animal management regulations, specifically suited for your unique contemporary farm.

Slimming down is critical for a lasting beauty-make-over. Cinch your belt and take a deep breath as you reduce your input costs, watch those ‘pollution’ calories, and enthusiastically jump on the weight-scale of accurate farm record-keeping each morning.

You may desire to make your beauty transition permanent. With our ‘Voluntary Plan’ you can achieve a life-long strategy custom-tailored just for you! This will take sacrifice and enduring long hours of production efficiencies, productivity, profitability- all the while, minimizing your unintended impact on wildlife and the environment. It will be well worth your discipline, as your make-over will rid your life of those annoying little Constitutional issues.

A beauty make-over requires specialized tools to transform the traditional family farm into a glamorous technological wonder feeding the masses of humanity. The Agricultural Research, Extension, and Education Reform Act of 1998 (Sec. 402(b)) gave our beautician the tools she needs to do her job. Some of the tools of her trade are sophisticated sensors and software systems to manually sample and collect data that measure, record, and manage spatial and temporal software. Her proprietary tool-belt carries technology for searching out and assembling all the information necessary to transform you into a harmonious and elegant agricultural producer, using exclusively new and improved agricultural decision-making devices.

Your operator’s office is always open for data networking and processing for all your customized value-added system applications and farm management decision-making needs.

For a hefty price, you can add Liposuction Deluxe to your cosmetic package. Our governmental beautician has just the right contacts who can reshape the surface of your land and grade for drainage, erosion control, moisture conservation and improving water quality. With your new curves, you are sure to be stunning! Our Basic Liposuction package is standard with every Precision Farming appointment, and will suck all that surplus money you have in your pockets, right straight to the U.S. government. This frees you from ever wondering what you will do with all that discretionary money you have. What a relief!

Our cosmetician will amaze you, as you undergo the efficient agronomic and livestock production treatment. She will personally make farm-calls for your comfort and security, to gather all your on-farm information pertaining to all the facets of your crop and livestock production. You will feel like ‘Queen for Day’ as she integrates the most up-to-date technologies, including field scouting, remote sensing (satellite imaging of your personal property), and other precision agricultural technologies,(some of which are still being developed) just for you. Can’t you just feel how special this remedy is?

We are USDA certified. You can have complete confidence in knowing that the information given and received is site-specific, held in the strictest confidence that only money can buy, prescribed under direct supervision of qualified USDA technicians, and will be processed in a timely fashion.

Your beauty transformation will be complete when your qualified technician applies her very distinctive ‘Vanishing Cream’ turning you from a once traditional small farm into a state-of-the-art agricultural goddess. The USDA guarantees that once you undergo our Precision Farming make-over, traditional small farming will vanish from society, never to be seen again.

Call now, and you can upgrade and receive our free NAIS program at no charge.

Hurry, time is limited! Call: 1-840-GOT-USDA, extension-Precision Farming

From the trenches of a non-collective & non-computer-controlled farm,

Celeste